It’s doesn’t seem 5 minutes ago that second blue line appeared and the news was broken to my boyfriend of 3 months that life as we knew it was about to be irreversibly changed.
Fast forward 5 years and we are married with 2 beautiful children, 2 pesky cats and a mortgage statement that makes my heart beat a little too fast. I guess that’s why I believe in fate, the life we have was simply meant to be.
Most people assume if I can survive relatively unscathed from my world turning upside down and my dreams having to be altered to fit in a new life growing, all the while learning to live with the father of my children when already carrying his child, then I can cope with anything.
Well I am here to tell you that they are wrong.
This week sees my beautiful first-born, my happy, innocent girl, the centre of my universe, start school, and I’m not coping.
Yes I will miss her, yes I’m dreading having to keep on top of the ironing and yes I’m concerned about the amount of times I’ll forget her lunch box, but that’s not where my problems lie, I can cope with all that; I have darker to fears to conquer.
Lets go back 25 years to when another happy innocent girl was starting school, full of promise, a blank canvas, happy.
I wanted to love school, and I guess in a way I did. A natural-born academic, I was a teachers dream. Sat at the front, penciled sharpened, the first to answer every question thrown out to the class. Straight A’s and 100% attendance, needless to say I made it to head girl.
Yet wasn’t just a teachers dream, I was a delight for the bullies too.
Easy pickings. An only child with just adults at home for company, I didn’t know how to talk to my peers. Anything I said or did only made things worse. My life was hell. I hated myself. At times I wish I had never been born, at other I wished I were dead, anything to not have to face another day of feeling so alone.
Now I have two children of my own, who I love more than life itself, to think they may ever feel that way makes me sacred to the point of not being able to catch my breath. I don’t want them to ever wish they were not here. I don’t want them to ever be scared in the place where they should only feel inspired. They are far too good for that.
I think they are the most amazing children in the world, I promise to remind them of that everyday.
On Thursday I will drop my big girl at the gates ready to start her newest adventure. She is completely unaware that not everyone is as caring and loyal as her, she still believes in fairies and Prince Charming, she is, and always will be, my perfect baby girl.
Slowly though, little by little, over the months and years to come, her innocence will slowly start to erode. She will need to harden to the facts of the real world. Her confidence in mankind will be tested, her morals questioned and boundaries pushed. I hope as parents we can prepare her for this, provide her with a confidence I never had.
People warm to my darling girl; everyone wants to be her friend. She is the girl I always wanted to be. She is a blank canvas, full of love and with an infectious of zest for life.
Please don’t let anyone take that away from her.
Please don’t scare my big girl.
Please don’t hurt my baby.
Please universe……look after her for me.