A New Adventure

It’s doesn’t seem 5 minutes ago that second blue line appeared and the news was broken to my boyfriend of 3 months that life as we knew it was about to be irreversibly changed.

Fast forward 5 years and we are married with 2 beautiful children, 2 pesky cats and a mortgage statement that makes my heart beat a little too fast. I guess that’s why I believe in fate, the life we have was simply meant to be.

Most people assume if I can survive relatively unscathed from my world turning upside down and my dreams having to be altered to fit in a new life growing, all the while learning to live with the father of my children when already carrying his child, then I can cope with anything.

Well I am here to tell you that they are wrong.

This week sees my beautiful first-born, my happy, innocent girl, the centre of my universe, start school, and I’m not coping.

Yes I will miss her, yes I’m dreading having to keep on top of the ironing and yes I’m concerned about the amount of times I’ll forget her lunch box, but that’s not where my problems lie, I can cope with all that; I have darker to fears to conquer.

Lets go back 25 years to when another happy innocent girl was starting school, full of promise, a blank canvas, happy.

I wanted to love school, and I guess in a way I did. A natural-born academic, I was a teachers dream. Sat at the front, penciled sharpened, the first to answer every question thrown out to the class. Straight A’s and 100% attendance, needless to say I made it to head girl.

Yet wasn’t just a teachers dream, I was a delight for the bullies too.

Easy pickings. An only child with just adults at home for company, I didn’t know how to talk to my peers. Anything I said or did only made things worse. My life was hell. I hated myself. At times I wish I had never been born, at other I wished I were dead, anything to not have to face another day of feeling so alone.

Now I have two children of my own, who I love more than life itself, to think they may ever feel that way makes me sacred to the point of not being able to catch my breath. I don’t want them to ever wish they were not here. I don’t want them to ever be scared in the place where they should only feel inspired. They are far too good for that.

I think they are the most amazing children in the world, I promise to remind them of that everyday.

On Thursday I will drop my big girl at the gates ready to start her newest adventure. She is completely unaware that not everyone is as caring and loyal as her, she still believes in fairies and Prince Charming, she is, and always will be, my perfect baby girl.

Slowly though, little by little, over the months and years to come, her innocence will slowly start to erode. She will need to harden to the facts of the real world. Her confidence in mankind will be tested, her morals questioned and boundaries pushed. I hope as parents we can prepare her for this, provide her with a confidence I never had.

People warm to my darling girl; everyone wants to be her friend. She is the girl I always wanted to be. She is a blank canvas, full of love and with an infectious of zest for life.

Please don’t let anyone take that away from her.

Please don’t scare my big girl.

Please don’t hurt my baby.

Please universe……look after her for me.

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7 thoughts on “A New Adventure

  1. Fi Star-Stone

    Oh gosh Alice this just made me cry. I can relate so well to this.

    You know what though? I think if you’ve suffered bullying then it equips you with super-hero-parent powers to prepare, protect and notice the signs of it happening in your own children.

    Try not to worry (easier said than done – Betsy starts nursery school tomorrow and I’m thinking everything you’ve written above!)

    Huge hugs xx

  2. Clareybear

    Aww, honey I can relate to this so much.

    I was bullied from the minute I started school until I left high school. I was a smart girl with a lot of potential but I totally went into myself and didn’t do as well as I should have.

    When Miss B started school last year I was anxious but not about her growing up or moving on to a milestone, I was worried about the other kids. She didn’t go to the feeder nursery so she didn’t know any of the kids and I felt real guilt about that.

    I remember when she was little and at nursery there was a girl who was really awful to her and as much as every part of me wanted to erupt I was calm and talked to her and tried to equip her how best to deal with it.

    I suppose as a parent you have to do the ground work, be supportive, and try your hardest to help them be strong and deal with what comes their ways.

    I’m sure that your little lady will surprise you and reinforce what a good job you’ve done :)

  3. Georgie

    Oh my goodness this has made me well up. I am onto child no3 about to make her way out to the world of school (well Nursery) and I hate to tell you that it gets no easier!
    I too was bullied at school and am terrified of my own children suffering the same thing.
    So far so good though, neither of my boys have suffered bullying and both enjoy a really happy school life, those fears are still with me but I try to swallow them down and remain 100% positive about school.
    If I can offer one solitary piece of advice, on her first day, wear big sunglasses and take a tissue. I will be doing both and will walk home from that drop off looking like a crazy lady sobbing to myself xxx

  4. Nat

    This post made me tearful, because I too have memories of school very similar to yours. I don’t have children yet, but I know that when I do I will have the same worries x

  5. lucy at dear beautiful

    I completely relate to these feelings. The big wide world is so scary and it would be so nice to keep our perfect, innocent children at home with us where they are safe and won’t have to find out how scary and cruel the world can be. I’m terrified that sending my little man to preschool in the not too distant future, will make him lose his gentleness. He’s not a boisterous boy like most and the influence of ther children and friends that I’m not helping him choose just terrifies me.
    But I guess if we kept them home we’d only be doing them and the world a big disservice, I think the world deserves to meet outer charming children. And we just have to hope that all the effort and energy we put in means that they are okay in the big wide world.

  6. Pingback: Your First Few Weeks Of School… | An Essex Wife

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