What’s the point?

That just about sums up how I have been feeling of late.

Whats the point of writing when everyone thinks I’m rubbish? Whats the point of trying to start this business when its sure to fail? Whats the point of buying nice clothes when I’m only going to look fat in them? What’s the point in getting up today?

Safe to say I’m not in the best of places right now.

Life seems so unfair. Don’t get me wrong, sat here typing this I can see the lovely Mothers Day card my girls gave me and my phone is pinging with messages from my loving husband asking about dinner, my home is my own and our bills get paid but some things (and things I tend to shy away from talking about as then that makes them real) are so bloody unfair.

And do you what makes it worse? I can’t do a damn thing about them.

I feel so helpless and its messing with my head.In the past two weeks I have convinced myself that my friends don’t want to see me anymore (partly started by a picture of them out when I wasn’t there and partly because I have screw loose), spent 24 hours adamant I was having a heart attack, let my work side and generally just been a little bit rubbish to anyone I care about.

The thing is, I’m scared.

I’m scared of loosing someone I love dearly to an illness that I cannot stop. I’m scared of what the next few months will bring. I’m scared of how it will affect my children. I’m scared for the impact it will have on my marriage.

I’m scared because it makes me face the fact that one day I will leave my daughters behind to face the world alone.

I’m scared that I am being selfish.

I’m scared that I’m going mad.

I’m just so bloody scared and I don;t know how to make it go away.

That feeling. The knot in your stomach. The actual physical pain that hurt and fear can bring. How do you make that go away?

It turns out I’m not superwoman, I cannot cope alone. I have finally come across something that can break me.

I am human after all.

So I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I have been a rubbish friend, wife, mother or colleague. I’m sorry if I have let you down or disappointed you. I’m sorry if I haven’t explained why, or given you reasons for things I have done.

I’m sorry for not coping and I’m sorry for all the tears.

I will be OK, we will all be OK.

I don’t know how, and I don’t know when. But we have each other and we have a whole lot of love.

And I guess maybe, just maybe, that is the point of it all.

Screen shot 2014-04-01 at 13.20.43


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13 Thoughts on “What’s The Point…

  1. Lauren on April 1, 2014 at 12:45 pm said:

    Sending you a great big hug. If you ever need anyone to talk to I’m happy to be there for you xx

  2. Ramblings Of A Suburban Mummy on April 1, 2014 at 12:52 pm said:

    Sometimes your own head can be a scary place. Do not apologise for not being perfect, none of us are. It’s better to say you need time and help than to promise anything you can’t deliver, to yourself or anyone else.

    Take a breather, maybe from everything, just enough time to focus on nothing, clearing it all out of your head even for a little while might help you gain some clarity, focus and respite.

    Thinking of you, shout if you need an ear to lean on xx

  3. Lucy on April 1, 2014 at 3:00 pm said:

    Oh Alice, bless you! Sending big hugs. You are allowed to be human and have wobbly moments, you wouldn’t seem so super if you were superwoman all the time after all. I hope you’re okay. x

  4. Kim Carberry on April 1, 2014 at 4:53 pm said:

    Sending you massive hugs!! Thinking of you xxx

  5. Sarah on April 1, 2014 at 7:05 pm said:

    I’m sorry you’re not feeling great at the mo. It’s hit me recently that actually being a grown up is hard! I hope that you are able to find positives in the everyday and that whatever happens you find comfort and support. I understand how you feel and am sort of having a wobbly time of it myself. Find a release, that will help Im sure. Take care xo

  6. GingerSnap on April 1, 2014 at 7:13 pm said:

    Hope you’re ok, just keep going, eventually the worry will go away and things will feel better. You’re right with it’s not the end until it’s ok xx

  7. Liska @NewMumOnline on April 2, 2014 at 11:01 pm said:

    Sorry to read this. I often have days like this, but I would never have guessed that you did. It does make you human though and I sincerely hope the clouds have passed.
    Nice to see you tonight, rocking a plait just like me ;-) see that made me human as I was slightly concerned I had run out without straightening my hair but I decided being “me” was more important than appearing well groomed ha ha.
    You and your plait look stunning in the pic Lilinha tweeted,
    Liska x

  8. I was feeling just like that 3 months ago. I’ve had CBT, counselling and meds to beat the anxiety and I’m feeling fab! :-) Get some help, in whatever form, and don’t feel you have to apologise to anyone. Those who love you will understand you are not feeling your best and soon you will be back to your best!

  9. Jo Laybourn on April 3, 2014 at 8:38 pm said:

    So sorry to hear you are feeling like this Alice. I think it’s probably quite natural and normal to feel like this in your situation. Huge Hugs. Please don’t be too hard on yourself! xx

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