Infidelity – An Open Letter To The Secret Blogger

Dear Secret Blogger,

Yesterday I read your post and I have to say, I was impressed with your bravery.  Not many people would stick their neck on the line and say that they think sleeping with another woman’s husband is a good thing, something we should be thanking you for.

I will be honest with you, I did take to twitter to voice my opinions on this piece.  I had to put it out there that I felt this post was not a positive one, and not one I expected to see promoted to a readership of parents, especially ones who may currently be dealing with infidelity and its after effects.

I was told by the @tots100 twitter person that they were not promoting your lifestyle choices, but supporting the fairness of free speech.

Picture 2

So in order for me to express my ideas (and one that you may not agree with), I would like to tell you a little story.

A good few years ago there was a young girl called Kate*.  She lived in a very loving home with her Mum, Dad and two younger brothers.  She rode horses each weekend and, even though we teased her about it, she still like to take 3 Carebears to bed with her each evening.

Since the age of 6, her family would go to their summer home in Cornwall for three weeks during the school holidays.  Her and her brothers would spend every waking hour hanging off their fathers every word.  He was their hero.  He taught them how to crab, how to bodyboard, how to build fires on the beach. I was always so jealous of those holidays.

He was a hard-working man, but always made it home for two family dinners week.  Sundays were filled with a family walk and a huge roast dinner.  Kate’s mum’s cooking always bought people together.  As she put the food on the table Kate’s dad would open the wine, always pouring his wife a glass first and saying she deserved it for how well she looked after him.

Just after Kate started senior school things changed.  Her father was home less and less for family dinners. Sundays were not the same, her dad always seamed to be preoccupied.  Their family walks were often canceled due to her father having to ‘pop out’.

She noticed her Mum looked tired too, and she was sure that sometimes she could hear her crying in the bathroom when she was in bed.

Then one, nondescript, Thursday afternoon Kate came home from school to be told by her mother that her dad would no longer be living in their house. That he was moving into a hotel. That life as they knew it was over.

Her mother, unable to hide her emotions anymore, broke down in Kate’s arms.  She had no one other to turn to than her 13 year old daughter.  She poured her heart out, telling Kate how her dad had been having dinner with a lady from his office on the nights he said he was working late. He had been having an affair.  On the times he said he was working away he was really in a hotel with her.  That he had told his wife he loved her more as a friend these days than a wife.

Now, secret blogger, I don’t know if you can remember being 13, but its a horrible age.  You don’t know where you fit in the world at the best of times, but throw a marriage break down and your mother falling apart into the mix and it really can mess with your head.

The Care-bears when straight in the bin, they were a present from her loving father after all.  A man she now felt she didn’t know.  Her hero who was now a villain.

Kate’s teenage years went by in a blur of weekend visits to her dad’s, now in a lovely apartment but a broken man living with the shame and guilt of what he had done, and mopping up the tears of her mother who now, unable to trust anyone, was a lonely and bitter lady lacking the drive to be a positive role model for her children.

In her adult years Kate’s bed hopping made her realised she had issues with men, and she knew she had to ask her Dad the question that had been burning away in her head for so long.


Why did you hurt my mum?  Why did you ruin my childhood? Why did you let me down?

There were tears, confessions and once again an overwhelming about of guilt.  Her father told her that he was bored in his marriage. That things had become stale and repetitive. That he found a lady in his office that he clicked with and got caught up in the moment.  He said he wished she had rejected him, or a least not pursed him. That he was weak and took what he saw as the easy option. A way to have the best of both worlds.  He said he never wanted his wife to find out, that he had never planned to leave.  He just wanted to put some spice back in his life.

But he did get caught, and he had no choice but to leave, and the ‘other woman’ didn’t want anything serious, so she walked away too.

He lost everything, and she moved on to her next married man.

Now, I’m not judging your life choices. I know many people who have, in one way or another, got involved with married men. It happens.

What I take offense to is your brazen attitude that we should be thankful for this.  We should see your infidelity as a public service.

If my husband felt trapped/bored/dissatisfied our marriage I feel he is two options.  Talk to me about it or leave and make a new life of his own. There is no option 3.  There is no ‘stay with me for the nice home, children and cooked meals and find some other woman to get your kicks from’.

You say you have children.  How would feel, if when they grow up, someone cheats on your daughter or you lose access to your grandchildren as your son has an affair and divorces his wife?

I admire how you make your life work to suit your needs, that you have the balls to go out there and think ‘bollocks to the haters’.

What I don’t admire however is how, in order to do that, you have to risk the happiness of adults and children you have never met, people who have never done anything wrong towards you, and how you feel this is something that we, as the married female population, should be thanking you for.

I hope all works out for you and life makes you happy. I just hope it’s not my husband you are sleeping with.

An Essex Wife

*Kate’s name has been changed to protect my friends identity, as I am aware some people who know me in ‘real life’ do read my blog.





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9 thoughts on “Infidelity – An Open Letter To The Secret Blogger

  1. Fi

    Great and brave post.

    I was pretty shocked to see that post on Tots last night. I think it’s upset quite a few people seeing my twitter timeline last night.

    I don’t think the secret blogger is brave and I don’t admire her honesty. I think she’s a big standard bully.

    1. AnEssexWife Post author

      Thank for reading – it was an unexpected post to see there I agree, but it got them traffic and talked about so in that respect I guess it was successful.

      I am fully aware affairs happen, and I don’t judge as each circumstance may be different, and, as I said in the post, it happens.

      What upset me was the attitude that it was a good thing.

      Thanks again for reading and commenting.

  2. S

    Firstly, thanks for writing the post. I think it’s very brave.

    There’s something I don’t discuss on my blog because it’s not something I want to share with my daughter – hence not using my name here. I’ve been the ‘woman’ to the ‘other woman’. When I found out my ex was cheating, I remember very clearly thinking to myself ‘If I stay, I won’t recognise myself. Because the person I think I am would never let herself be treated so badly’.

    And so the relationship ended.

    Divorce is hard, though. It’s expensive and painful and acrimonious and at you see all the worst aspects of your partner, so at the end of it they’re a stranger. There’s no going back.

    If I’m being completely honest, there were many, many times over the years following that I thought to myself the problem wasn’t that he cheated, the problem was that I’d found out. And I’d have willingly gone back in time and not read that email if it meant I’d have kept my life together, with a happy family, a home I loved, and a child with two parents. Because the stumble in our relationship might well have passed, and we’d have continued our lives together, as a 2 parent family.

    I don’t judge many people in life. I think the world is a complicated place and nobody makes perfect decisions all the time. So I don’t judge a woman automatically for getting involved with a married man – or a man for getting involved with a married woman, come to that.

    But what I do hope is posts like this give people considering embarking on a similar path some perspective into how other people view their choice. Because it’s only by talking that we gain insight and understanding.

    1. AnEssexWife Post author

      Thank you for you comment – and your honesty.

      I too hope that a post like this shows that even if you never plan to get caught, that the affair isn’t something you want to turn into a relationship, it may happen, you may get caught, and you need to be prepared for the fallout.

      I too don’t like to judge people. As I said in the post affairs happen, they are a fact of life. I just didn’t like how, in the original post, the attitude was that the affair was a good thing and the wife should be thankful for it. Thats why I had to post an alternative view.

      Thank you once again for reading, and for your very brave comment.

  3. Karen

    I haven’t seen the blog post in question by this anonymous blogger but I think your response is perfect, my childhood was ruined by divorce and my dad cheated on my mum while she was pregnant. Infidelity is selfish and self indulgent and down right immature, women or men who behave that way deserve to loose any ounce of respect they have as they clearly do not have it for others. Thank you for this post and I hope it nudges someone conscience a bit and think twice before they ruin people’s lives! As you said it’s OK to fall out of love but it’s not a free pass to then have your cake and eat it, end your relationship, then move on! Sorry – rant over! (PS love you sweet blog) x x

  4. Michelle

    Oh my goodness. A brilliant piece. I find it so sad that our generation lives in a world of instant gratification. If a man (or woman) needs something which is missing in their relationship then communication is paramount and then as a partnership they should work together to rectify problems and not expect them fixed overnight. Who says a marriage is easy? It’s not. It’s a full time, 24/7 job for life. That’s where the commitment comes in. If a person can’t commit, they shouldn’t get married. Off my soap box now …

  5. Liska (@NewMumOnline)

    I can’t agree with the tweets screen shot above, having had that network ask me to take a blog post down, at ten o’clock at night.
    To say they support free speech even if they disagree with it is quite frankly B.S.
    Thanks for writing this post.

  6. _Mushypea

    I am one of those children like the friend you write about. My awareness started from 7 years of age and to say it hasn’t impacted me all my life is a lie, the one huge difference being that my memories are not any that are good when it comes to my father. The scars run deep and at times I am not aware of just how far they have moulded my attitudes and opinions when it comes to relationships and men until I stop and think.

    There are many things that lead to infidelity, I understand, but it is the one thing that brings about in me such an emotional response that I would personally prefer the hurt that comes with honesty than that brought about by lies and deceit.

  7. Luci McQuitty Hindmarsh -

    Blimey, I missed this little secret post when it came out. Love what you’ve written and the finesse with which you’ve written it. Not sure I’d have been able to manage to do it with such a light touch. I have no understanding of how anyone could ever think that having an affair with someone else’s husband could ever be anything other than destructive. In fact if they did think that, I’d suggest they got themselves some therapy.


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