Does one day really make a difference? Will waking up today on January 1st with a plan really ensure that all my dreams come true? Can this year really be ‘my year’ just because I say it will?
Probably not. But what’s the harm in hoping?
2014 had some amazing highs, but a crashing low that I’m not sure I’ll ever fully bounce back from.
Anyone who has lived through having a loved one with a terminal illness will know all too well the limbo it causes. You say it won’t control you, you say it won’t beat you…but inevitably it does. It takes hold, little by little, and starts to control decisions without you realising. Going abroad is out in case ‘the call’ comes and you are needed, birthdays and Christmases become bittersweet, as the true reality that it may be their last hangs about like the unwelcome elephant-sized guest in the room. Visiting with the children becomes hard as they don’t understand why they now have to be quiet and careful around the woman who used to dance and laugh with them like a best friend. Every time you leave them another piece of your heart breaks for the person they once were, the life they have already lost and the pain they have ahead.
Then one day, a day you will never be ready for, the end arrives. You will sit there, laughing, crying, reflecting in a hospice waiting room, remembering the good old days, taking in the past tense about a person who is still here, the strangest of limbos I have ever known.
Then grief will take told, and the fog descends. The pain will grip with big giant hands and squeeze ever tighter until you think you can’t take anymore. It will push you too your limit. Grief knows at what point you will snap, and holds you there just long enough to make you realise all that you have left.
Then, just as the fog threatens to turn to darkness, the grip loosens. You get a few moments, then a few hours, where you feel like a ‘new normal’ is being welcomed into your life. Things will never be quite the same, but you can see that life will be OK. You will laugh and smile again. They would want you to.
You appreciate things in a new light. Your children become your rock. Their wide-eyed joy and infectious giggles will save you. My girls will never know the support and hope that they have brought to our family this Christmas. We owe them everything.
Life goes by so fast, and can end all too soon. When you think how scary that thought is, everything else that frightens you will fade into the background.
So today I’m waking up for the first day of 2015, and while it may only be ‘just another day’, it’s a day I’m going to make count.
2015 – the year of making every day count. 2015 – the year of being thankful.
I have plans, grand plans. Places to go, people to see, memories to make. But my biggest plan? To be happy, and thankful for everything I have.
I have my health, my family and a roof over my head. And that is all I need to make 2015 my best year yet.
Happy New Year Everyone. May All Your Dreams Come True.