I was never that child that dreamed of having a family. As a teenager I was more interested in picking out countries for my future travelling plans than names for my future babies, and once I hit my twenties I was consumed by my career.  Children were just not on my radar.

Then I met the Essex husband and little S came along to join us, and I realised that while this was never the plan it was actually exactly where I wanted to be.  I returned to work far too soon, desperate to prove I could still be all things to all people.  While I don’t believe in regrets, my decision to work while S was so small will always be one that haunts me.  They are small for such a short time, I want to drink up every second I can.

By the time my darling O came along we were already in the family groove and she slotted in perfectly.  My life as a mummy way complete, and being able to decide not to work full time was a complete blessing.

We have spent many days climbing tress and painting pictures, petting animals and snuggling on sofas.  We have already started to see the world and we have had many wonderful weekends just lazing at home.  Motherhood, it turns out, was the role I was best suited to. Who knew!!

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But now the chubby cheeks are leaving me, and in their place are long legs and wide eyes. Peppa Pig is making way for Power Rangers and nursery rhymes have been replaced with 1D and Katy Perry.  Those girls are not babies anymore.  They will always be my babies of course, but to the outside world they are entering young lady territory now.

I hope to never be the mother that holds her children back.  I don’t want to keep them as babies for my own indulgence, I dream of the day I can watch (with a tear in my eye) as they spread their wings and fly the nest, safe in the knowledge we have given them the best start in life we possibly could.  The thought of the girls sitting round our table with their friends or partners in (many) years to come, giggling over stories from their childhood, fills me with an emotion that I never knew existed pre children.

While babies (and the making of them) is an incredibly fun time, it’s the lifetime of being their proud parent I am most excited about.

But, my dear friends, there is one thing I am not ready for.  And I’m not sure I will ever be.

It’s not that chat about the birds and the bees or even the worry of the first time the drive off behind the wheel of thier own car (although both of those things do fill me with a little dread), it’s just the simple act of  being called ‘Mum’

Mum.

What is it about that word that makes you feel so old? and make the children seam so grown up?

I’m their Mummy, the one who tucks them in at night and kiss their boo-boos away.

I’m not a Mum.  She picks up teenagers from the cinema and paces the floor when the are 15 minutes home from a date.

S has called me ‘Mum’ once.  She said it in almost an experimental way.  As if she was testing out what it felt like to say those words.  The look she gave as she did it felt like she was checking if this was OK to do again.  I tried not to react, and I don’t think I did, if they want to call me ‘Mum’ I can’t stop them, but I think she realised neither of us were ready for this.  I haven’t heard the word leave her mouth again since.

While they may be both growing up so fast, and at times I may be “sooooo embarrassing!” or “just don’t understand them”, my little ladies still kiss me goodbye in front of their friends each morning and run into my arms each afternoon.

I guess they aren’t ready to lose their Mummy just yet, and that is fine by me.

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6 Thoughts on “The One Where I’m Not Ready To Be A Mum

  1. Emma lander on October 3, 2014 at 2:34 pm said:

    I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that either. What a lovely post :)

  2. What a lovely post! You never think that just a change in name would have such a big effect. My stepdaughter is currently entering the age of being a young lady and it’s surreal to see the difference from when she was a toddler!

    Emma | frillsanddoodads.com

  3. Rocknrollerbaby on October 5, 2014 at 7:25 pm said:

    Florence tried it a few times but I put it well off the table! I still HAVE to call my Dad Daddy (to his face) now or he won’t answer me and it’s the same for my adult brothers! I like it! :-)

  4. (Mostly) Yummy Mummy on October 6, 2014 at 7:54 pm said:

    Ha! I love this! I don’t think that I will ever ever be ready to be a Mum I am most definitely a Mummy! My eldest two are 15 and 16 now and still call me Mummy and I plan for it to stay that way forever :-)

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